on the lighter side

    Now that what-was-to-be my wedding day has come and gone, I've pulled my self out of the self imposed self-pity trench of moping and whining to find... to looming over me, it is all behind me and I am still intact. The love and grace of God kept me whole... and (not wanting to jinx it) HAPPY.  (Please don't discount all the friends and family that have been there through all of it, but I firmly believe Jesus wove it and them all together =) )

   This weather, this little kiss of spring in the middle of February, such a gift. I know I must sound like one of those obnoxious optimists but really, I'm done wallowing in the depth of my own despair of my very own making, just bc I'm a stubborn person and refuse to see the love and gifts that God as provided all around me. There are so many wonderful things happening in my life and I am just grateful for everything, even the little things.

    In my pain, no matter what the cause (heartache, loss, pain, etc... ) the simple act of serving and of giving to others has allowed for the mending of all wounds and given access for Jesus to heal through the touch and talk other people. Imparted wisdom, given love, shared sorrow... all of it have led to fellowship and the demonstrated love of the ultimate father we all have in Christ.

    So, really what I'm trying to say is... Thank you. Thank you to all the friends, family, and strangers who have just been here the last few months. To quote a dear friend, you have all been my "Jesus with skin on"

Shattered Dream

As a young girl, I used to spend hours planning my future wedding to my destined husband in my perfect world.  As I got older my life was much less perfect than the imagined one I had created for myself. Instead of waiting and keeping my whole heart for that one perfect, hand picked by God, soul mate that I had longed for, I grew impatient and gave little bits and pieces of my heart away- a chip or two here, one solid crack there.  I don’t know that I was THAT different from most girls, wanting to feel loved and cherished, so I settled or sought out that connection. Then I thought I had met the one, you know, THE ONE, the Right ONE.  The good, Christian guy with a heart of gold that loved kids; the one who could make me laugh whenever I was sad and would listen to the most boring topics of conversation just so we wouldn’t have to say “goodnight” … that ONE.  

So, the date was set, the church and hall were booked, the dress was bought, guest list made, end date for work settled, visa paperwork getting sorted (I was swapping continents after the marriage), closet downsized and ready to move, premarital counseling arranged, I was in pretty good shape for being about 4 months away from the wedding.  However, my fiancé and I were in horrible shape.  Constantly arguing over the most minute details, having all types of miscommunications and hurt feelings, some serious and minor blowups, as a couple we were in serious trouble.  Together we were hard set on making our marriage work, we could do it, we could make it work, and we loved each other -that had to be enough.   

Funny, hindsight is always 20/20. I was trying to “make” a relationship work; a relationship I was about to charge full force into a lifetime covenant with God- not the best idea, trying to force God’s hand.  Yes, we both had prayed for God’s will in our relationship, but we were blind to the fact that we meant “our” will, we wanted God to fulfill our desire to be together, NOT God’s perfect plan for our lives. In all our talking and praying, I forgot to listen or in many cases just chose not to listen.  There were little bumps and miscommunications in our relationship that he and I were constantly overlooking because we loved each other.  I had some wise words of truth spoken to me that opened my eyes a bit. My fiancé and I had a serious discussion and decided to put the wedding on hold. He still wanted to be in a relationship with me but he wasn’t quite ready to be married.  My dream was shattered, and I felt lost. So, I fasted and prayed for 3 days. I needed to hear from God because I was desperately trying to glue all the pieces back together and everything just kept falling apart.

In my three days the answer I got from the Lord was this: I could stay in a relationship with my now ex-fiancé if I wanted to be selfish. If I wanted to hang on and to control part of my life, and keep myself and my fiancé from fulfilling God’s will to the perfect extent, then yes, I could have him.  I could carve out my own path for my life and make it work, I could… but did I want to? God was offering me a path of peace and rest in his arms, with His perfect love, and His plan, I just had to trust him completely and be patient.  Looking at it this way is easy, at the time it was: leave the man I love and be alone with a wedding gown in my closet OR marry the man and move across the world to have a daily battle of working things out without having any emotional or family support and looking back and knowing that I caused all the pain in my life.  I opted for the lonely wedding gown and cried as my heart broke apart, not knowing it would be the best decision I have ever made.